Calvin Harris once warbled about something or other being acceptable in the 80s. I’m not sure what that ‘it’ was, but if kid’s films from that decade are anything to go by there was a general level of acceptance of cooking ‘animals’ in microwaves, getting frozen in carbonite or stealing plutonium from the Libyans. These three things in themselves are good enough reasons the 80s was a golden decade for kid’s films and here are 10 of the best. Of course there are notable exceptions and no doubt you may disagree with some or all of the 10. I know these are your own opinions but you’re wrong. Anyhow, let’s get cracking…
- The Goonies
Growing up I looked like one of the Goonies. I’d like to be able to tell you it was Josh Brolin (cool, athletic and had a fit girlfriend) but the reality was it was Jeff Cohen, known better to you and I as Chunk. Yes, this meant that although I wasn’t cool and didn’t have a hot chick hanging on every word I said, I was fat and could truffle shuffle.
But the glorious thing about the Goonies is that has characters anyone watching it can relate to including a normal everyday kid, a technical whizz, a loudmouth irritant and a very niche character especially for those who had spent their formative years locked in the loft. And their adventures. Good lord their adventures. Their search for One Eyed Willy and his treasure is the sort of thing most teenage boys are encouraged to do by PE teachers of questionable reputation but just look at what they go through;
- Befriending Sloth. Man. Called. Sloth.
- Evading the Fratelli family (apart from Lotney Fratelli. I know, I didn’t realise that was Sloth’s real name either)
- Other shenanigans
It’s heart racing stuff and whether it’s the truffle shuffle or Sloth shouting ‘mama, you’ve been bad’ there’s barely a minute of this film that isn’t the very definition of entertaining.
- Back to the Future
Where to start with this absolute masterpiece. I tell you where – the beginning! I was probably about eight or nine years old the first time I saw this film and from the very second Marty McFly zipped off on his skateboard to the dulcet tones of Huey Lewis and the News I thought only one thing; I must be him. Well, I’m about as far away from being Marty McFly as Steven Hawking is from being Michael Flatley, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still dream. No, not about my mum trying to seduce me but being able to time travel in a cool yet discontinued sports car.
However cold hearted you may be it’s impossible not to let out a little squeal of happiness when George lays one on Biff to win Lorraine’s affections and it’s interesting to see, in retrospect, that Dr Emmett Brown very much had the last laugh on the Libyans – he’s still travelling through time in a time train (bit of a spoiler there, sorry about that) whilst Colonel Gadaffi most certainly isn’t.
Let’s not forget one of the most important parts though – this was the film which seemed to make it ok to say the word ‘shit’, especially when being threatened with a rocket launcher or being covered in manure.
And to think, originally the time travelling device was going to be a fridge.
- Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Who indeed. Well, it’s Judge Doom – let’s get that out of the way. But why isn’t there a question mark in the title? Apparently it’s considered bad luck in the industry to include a question mark which is a pity then that we haven’t been graced with such gems as Happy Gilmore? or 50 First Dates? or Absolutely Anything Featuring Adam Sandler?
We’ve already exposed Judge Doom as the antagonist but in a truly groundbreaking piece of cinema featuring live action and animation coexisting so believably there’s no doubt what the true defining part of this film is; as amazing as it is to see Disney and Warner Bros characters interacting, it’s not that. It’s not even bumping the lamp. I think there’s only one way to adequately convey the best part of this film; IMAGINE IF SHE WAS REAL!!!
- E.T.
What’s E.T. short for?
Because he’s only got little legs.
It’s a textbook gag but one guaranteed to raise at worst a wry smirk from the recipient. So what makes this film about everyone’s favourite lost alien so good? Well it’s definitely not Elliott who when you watch it back through more mature eyes is an obnoxious little sod. That said, the bit where he kisses his classmate when the frogs are hopping about was a real eye opener (until Highlander…).
If there’s one film which defines Steven Spielberg’s career – apart from Jaws, Schindler’s List, Jurassic Park, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Lincoln etc – it’s surely E.T. Just look at the facts; alien gets stranded on Earth. Alien meets boy. Alien gets drunk. Boy kisses girl in front of frogs and biology teacher Harrison Ford. Alien makes things better with a glowing finger. Alien phones home. No answer from home but they obviously saw three missed calls. Alien dies. Alien comes back to life. Alien makes bike fly in silhouette in front of the moon. Alien gets picked up. Everyone just goes home.
I’ll admit, I blubbed like a baby when ET died. Thank goodness for wilting flowers.
- Labyrinth
David Bowie is a goblin king and kidnaps a baby. The baby’s big sister enters a magical labyrinth (a very condensed summary of the story) in which she meets numerous brilliant characters and joins in some great songs on the way to saving her little brother who had been kidnapped by David Bowie. Originally Michael Jackson was supposed to be in David Bowie’s role. We’ll file this one under ‘fortunate casting’.
- Raiders of the Lost Ark
Only recently did I hear the amusing fact that if Indiana Jones wasn’t in this film it would have no bearing on the ultimate outcome – the Nazis would still have melted and exploded. Without Indy though we wouldn’t have had such memorable scenes such as him shooting the guy with the swords (which incidentally was improvised because of Elliott’s teacher’s illness on the day of filming).
Lest we forget, this film also introduced us to the now iconic grabbing the hat under the closing door or massive boulder in the booby trapped cave. Cinema would be a very different place without everyone’s favourite historian/archaeologist/teacher and for that I – and I hope you – are sincerely grateful.
Shame they went and used Shia LaBeouf to tarnish it all.
- Gremlins
I wanted a mogwai. I don’t know you personally but I’m sure you wanted one too, despite their incredibly high maintenance. It’s been asked numerous times that if you can’t feed them after midnight when exactly can you as it’s technically always after midnight. But that’s a mere detail in a film where we should really be questioning that if they can’t get wet what exactly do they drink? In fact, let’s question both. Answers on a postcard please.
For all its charm and downright amazingness, Gremlins was over shadowed at the 1985 Oscars ceremony (not that it was nominated for any) by another film featuring a strange, screeching and small creature – Purple Rain. Whilst Gremlins might not have had a comparable soundtrack, I don’t remember many scenes in Purple Rain featuring a gremlin getting cooked in a microwave so there’s only so much credibility an Academy Award will garner.
- Ghostbusters
‘If there’s something strange in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call?’ Well I’m not sure how wise this advice is, as well intended I’m sure Ray Parker Jr meant it. Nine times out of 10 it’s best to call the police. But yes, there’s that one occasion where you may need to call Ghostbusters. I’ll be honest, I’d be too busy soiling myself to adequately coordinate calling 555-2368 but it still gives me piece of mind to know they’re there.
Unless of course the ghost in question was the Stay-Puft marshmallow man. We all know the classic bit when our intrepid foursome must clear their minds so that their one thought doesn’t manifest itself as a 100 foot tall city destroyer. But have you ever given any thought to what you would think of? No, neither have I, but just take a second to have a think.
Bugger, all I get is the Stay-Puft marshmallow man. Fair play, Ray. Fair play indeed.
- The Empire Strikes Back
In arguably the best of the Star Wars original trilogy we learn that Darth Vader is in fact Luke Skywalker’d father in what is widely regarded as one of the biggest suprprises in cinema history. Well, that and Keanu Reeves’ lengthy career.
Of course now with the prequel trilogy anyone watching the entire saga chronologically for the first time won’t appreciate what a huge twist this was at the time but the reveal is still a spine tingling moment, especially for nerds like me. From here I will only refer to the original trilogy in the interests of keeping things simple and because the prequels were crap.
Not only does this film pre-empt the custom of single fathers dressing up as Darth Vader to gain support for seeing their kids but also introduces us for the very first time to a cheeky little scamp called Yoda. You know the one.
- Highlander
I can hear the controversy now. Oh, that’s just wind? Ok then. Well anyway, it may seem a bit controversial having a 15 rated film on here as it’s therefore just not a kid’s film. To be honest I’ve put it on this list for purely selfish reasons. Whilst not strictly a kid’s film, this film very much shaped my childhood – it was the first time I ever saw a woman’s boobies on TV. Nothing particularly surprising there as that’s something of a rite of passage, but let’s fast forward about 15 years; I used to work with a girl (whose first name genuinely escapes me) who asked me if I’d ever seen Highlander. Seemed like quite a strange question to ask someone in the 21st century, but hey ho…
Her: “Have you ever seen the film Highlander?”
Me: “I have indeed.”
Her: “What did you think of it? Can you remember the woman in it?”
Me: “Great film, and yes, I very much remember her. I’ll be honest with you, I watched it at a sleepover when I was little and it was the first time me and my friends had seen a woman topless. By god, believe me that’s not the kind of thing you easily forget if you know what I mean, she was fit!”
Her: “That’s my sister.”
Me: “So yeah, great film.”
And that’s it, the end of my first blog. On which note, my debut book is also available now to download from Amazon (on a Kindle or to free Kindle Apps)
Dan J Kahn 